In Rare Moment of Self-Awareness, Trump Avoids Shitshow at Anti-Tyranny Celebration
LEXINGTON, MASS – Displaying a level of insight lacking in most of his decision-making, President Trump today chose not to attend an event that would have almost certainly led to a garbage fire of epic proportions.
The historical celebration took place in Massachusetts, one of the most loudly anti-authoritarian and Trump-hating states, and commemorated the start of a pivotal struggle of freedom-loving patriots against an overreaching, out of touch dictator. While the direct parallels between that situation and Trump's failing presidency are obvious to most observers, few expected the president himself to make the connection or recognize the magnitude of the potential shitshow.
According to local organizers, the annual reenactment typically draws a small crowd of history buffs. This year's pairing of the milestone 250th anniversary and the remarkable parallels between Trump and King George III promised to significantly increase both the crowd and the potential for presidential ridicule, embarrassment, and bruised ego.
"Look, we had to invite him," said Suzie Barry, Chair, Government Relations for the Lex250 Commission. "We invited all of them, hoping that maybe Clinton or Obama would say yes and scare him off, because we didn't expect the magnitude of the potential shit storm to dawn on him. Color me surprised."
Advisors to the president were unable to pinpoint what led to the unusual decision. "I was getting ready to spin some nonsense about how the boos and jeers were for Massachusetts' terrible left-wing governor, not for Trump, and that thanks to his presence the Minutemen actually won the battle of Lexington for once," said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. "But instead he got up this morning and said he was going to play golf, like usual. Maybe he forgot?"
At press time, Trump was still considering whether to step in a steaming pile by attending the Boston Marathon on Monday.
Mass 50501 is not The Onion, but we owe them a debt for the inspiration. To be clear, this is a work of satire.
Enjoyed this article? Get updates on the movement, volunteer opportunities, and more by clicking below.